matt (streetcarp) wrote in wpa,
matt
streetcarp
wpa

Help me?

Hey guys, I can't remember if I've ever posted in here before but I've been a reader from the beginning. I have to submit a folio of two or three poems for my english class next week and I need help on the submission - my workshop group didn't help me at all just "oh yeah I really liked this bit and that bit" repeated 13 times. The tutor gave me a few suggestions but I'm struggling with those too. Basically I need to show them that these pieces have been revised a little since workshopping... Also, suggestions for titles would be much appreciated...

I.
electrical signals across wires & lines
themselves conduct a warm glow-
still radiant twelve-thousand miles away;
beauty, undiluted by countless resistors capacitors transistors oh and maybe a few satellites

we are satellites, our spirits orbiting high above the corporeal, free
to touch the very limits of our conception and
to re-conceive all we were told of distance and the idea that tangibility and love are at all germane.


The tutor made mention of the last line, she said the word "germane" didn't seem to fit. I kind of agree, but I'm at a loss for what to do with it. ANY other suggestions, no matter how little they may be, would be great.

II.
heavenly bodies in astral motion
might just generate enough energy love to turn night to day,
bringing out our inner radiance and setting our souls aglow.

with a muffled moan and a trickle of sweat i'm swimming in your cosmos,
at once earthly and stellar, bringing our hearts into alignment - -
"what i meant to say is
that it's all you. it's all
inside you. the whole world"

moving like this, flying,
our inertia could surely take us
far from this place -
to the farthest reaches of the galaxy,
and the innermost sanctuaries of our hearts.

This one was well-received, but I think the "muffled moan and a trickle of sweat" could be a little cheesy. Also, I'd like to try a re-wording of the final few lines.
Once again, all I want is another perspective. Don't be scared to be critical; maybe tell me what you'd write if they were YOUR pieces... I really want something to work on.
THANKS GUYS!
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